you me and five bucks

You Are Who You Hang With

2008-12-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on January 8, 2007

"Surround yourself with people who are better than you in a hundred different ways and allow the force of their character to inspire you to change, grow, and strive to become the best version of yourself." - Matthew Kelly

I love this quote from Matthew Kelly's book, The Seven Layers of Intimacy. Yesterday when I was reading through my journal, searching for a little inspiration, I came across this quote and it made me think about my friends.

I didn't intend to surround myself with the type of people Matthew Kelly is describing, but when I look around, those are the types of people I see. And when I think about them, I feel blessed to know them. They really are people who are better than me in a million different ways and who inspire me in my writing.

My husband is a natural performer, in dance and public speaking. One of my best friends is starting her own catering business and wants to open her own bakery. I have a handful of amazing musician friends who write their own music and perform all over the bay area. Another close friend of mine is a talented actress and creative soul.

It's like they say, if you want to be a great writer, artist, or musician, you have to study the great writers, artists, and musicians of your time. I dream of one day creating characters as rich and interesting as Jane Austen's protagonists are. I wish that one day I could write something that will impact thousands of people the way Matthew Kelly's books have. I'm envious of bloggers like Princess Melissa and Dooce and The Blogess who are so funny and such great storytellers.

Exposing myself to these people and their work, surrounding myself with different artists of various crafts, brings out the artist in me. Motivates me to chase my dreams. That's why it's so important to take notice of what type of people we hang out with. Because, as Matthew Kelly says, "Sooner of later we all rise or fall to the level of our friendships." They can raise us up, or they can bring us down.

What types of people do you surround yourself with?

YM5 Newsletter - December 2008

2008-12-15T00:13:00.000-08:00

The December YM5 Newsletter was just sent. Are you on the mailing list? If not, you can subscribe there in the column to right.

In the YM5 Newsletters I highlight things that have been happening on the website: new features, my favorite posts, etc. I also give little updates on what's happening with life in general.

I only send out the newsletter once a month and you can unsubscribe at any time!

Got Milk?

2008-12-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

Milk mustache? Psshh. You ain't got nothin on my milk goatee.

Love Lines

2008-12-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

After being together for seven years, now married with children, you can say that Steve and I are well past the puppy love stage. You know the stage where you celebrate monthly anniversaries, wear matching outfits, and dedicate love songs to each other on the radio. But the other day, Steve dedicated a song to me. How sweet, right? Um, well you be the judge.

Me: So, how do you like Kanye's new album?

Him: I like it! The more I listen to it, the more I like it. Actually, I dedicate one of the songs to you.

Me: Really? Cool! Which one?

Him: Robocop.

Me: Robocop? (That didn't sound very romantic.)

He played it for me.

"Bout the baddest girl I've ever seen
Straight up out of movie scenes"

Aw, I like it so far!

"Who knew she was a drama queen
Who would turn my life to Stephen King"

Wait...what??

"Up late night like she on patrol
Checking everything like I'm on parole"

Oh hell no.

"I told her theres some things she don't need to know
She never let it goo OOO!"

I need to know everything.

"Ok ok! ok, ok,
You'll never stop it now
You never stop it now"

Stop what?

"Ok ok! ok, ok,
You'll never stop it now
You need to drop it now
...drop it, drop it..."

I'll drop something alright.

"Cuz I don't want no robocop
Your movin like a robocop
When did u become a robocop
No I don't need no robocop"

Whatever dude.

"Just lookin at your history
You're like the girl from misery"

Oh no he didn't.

"She said she ain't take it to this degree
Well lets agree to disagree"

Okay, I ain't gonna lie. It does sound a little like me.

"Shorty kinda crazy but it turn me on
Keep it up enough to keep it goin on"

Yeah, that's what I thought. Shoot.

So yeah, I guess it was a sweet shout out. In a backhanded sort of way.

Duh.

2008-12-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

Ever since I watched a story on the news about a couple who cut their expenses in half just by doing things like unplugging appliances and clipping coupons, I've been all about saving money. So I went out and bought this book about how to live frugally. But as soon as I paid my twenty bucks for it, I thought, D'oh! I failed already. Chapter One probably says, "Step One: I hope you checked this book out at the library instead of paying for it, dumb ass."

I'm Old! I'm Like the Cryptkeeper!

2008-11-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

...to quote Jamie Lee Curtis, a la Freaky Friday.

That's exactly what ran through my mind when I looked in the mirror this morning. No joke.

I've never really felt my age. I've always felt - and some might say even looked, younger than my age. Even when I spotted my first wrinkle, the one right between my eyes caused from too much squinting, I didn't trip.

Then yesterday I noticed that my hair looked a little thin right near my temple area. I didn't think much of it as I knew it must have just been the way my hair was parted. But then this morning, fresh from the shower and combing my hair, there was no mistaking it. My hair was noticeably thinner. And I was noticeably freaking the eff out. (See above quote.)

When Steve got home from work I showed him my soon-to-be bald spot.

Me: Look what's happening.

Him: What?

Me: Look right here. My hair's thinning.

Him: Gasp! (Coulda done without the horrified gasp of air, right?) What happened?

Me: I don't know! I'm emailing my doctor about it right now.

Him: Oh no, my wifey's going bald.

Me: What if I do go bald? Will you still love me?

Him: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Punk mofo.

Fortunately my doctor responded shortly thereafter and let me know it's common for women to lose more hair than usual after giving birth, and that it would resolve itself and grow back in the near future. So I guess I can keep my husband after all.

Also, when I looked at my outbox, the last four emails I sent to my doctor had the subjects: Pain/Numbness in Arm, Hair Loss, Dizzy Spells, and A Few Concerns. Hypochondriac much? When I told Steve I sent the Pain/Numbness in Arm email, he responded, "Oh great. Is your next email going to be I Think I'm Having a Heart Attack?

Like I said. Punk mofo.

Take a Look Around

2008-11-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on December 16, 2005

Today while I was driving down a street, a street I drive down at least twice a day, I passed a building I must have passed almost two hundred times before. But today I noticed it. Today I did a double take. I was adjusting my car visor and I happened to look up and see that on top of this building sat a bell tower. It looked so cool against the late afternoon sky. And I thought to myself, Wow, I never noticed that before. In all the hundreds of times I passed that building, I never took a moment to look at it, to notice it. I wanted to take a picture but the traffic light turned green and I raced off to the next To Do on my list.

As I drove away, I wondered how many other things I haven't noticed amidst all the busyness. It made me sad to think that not only are there cool and beautiful things right in front of my face that I overlook each day, but there are people I'm probably neglecting as well.

In my December newsletter I wrote about how I couldn't believe it was already the end of 2005 when it felt as though the year had just begun. I wondered how I overlooked the minutes and seconds, how they just passed me by in a whirlwind. I wondered how many moments I missed in the blur of those minutes and seconds.

And now here I sit, well past midnight, trying to squeeze in a little writing. Each day between a full day of work and a full night of web designing I try to squeeze in a cuddle with Steve and my son. And now I feel emotional about it all because I should not be trying to squeeze them in my schedule, rather I should try to squeeze the other stuff in between the cuddles.

That building was a reminder to stop and take a look around. Look at and appreciate the architecture of the old building, the intricate details of the structure and the history in the cracks and crumbles. Look at the blind woman feeling her way through downtown, and try to imagine how it would feel to live in complete darkness. Look at the people driving past me and try to picture where they're going and what kind of life they live.

Look at my boys and drop whatever I'm doing to cherish the minutes and the seconds with them every chance I get.

I Rebuke You in the Name of Jesus!

2008-11-16T10:03:00.000-08:00

"Good morning, Lily! It's your baptism day!"

"Hey, do you think they can baptize the grumpiness out of her?"

"I think you're getting mixed up with exorcisms."

"Oh. Well, can we get that instead?"

UFO Sighting

2008-11-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

It's so fun and just amazing to watch Lily grow each day and make new discoveries about the world around her.

"Hey, what's that?"

A few minutes later...

"Whoa, what's that?"

A few more minutes later...

"Dude! What IS that?"

And then...

"Mom, you won't believe what I just saw..."

Strength and New Beginnings

2008-11-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

I first visited Melinda Maria's website after I saw her featured on the E channel talking about her beautiful jewelry and these cool Obama necklaces she designed. I browsed around her site and immediately fell in love with her Ganesha & Goddess of Power Necklace. After coveting this necklace day after day, not to mention dropping not so subtle hints to Steve, he finally bought it for me for my birthday.

Melinda's site describes this necklace as:

The all gold pendant is the Tibetian goddess of power, and the enamel piece is Ganesha, the elephant god who removes obstacles in your life to welcome new beginnings. It is a very powerful necklace to wear and will be sure to remind you of the strength you have within!

Steve teased me that I'm worshipping other gods. That isn't true, of course. I just love the symbolism of it. I've always held the philosophy of new beginnings. I believe every day is a chance at a new beginning. If you mess up today, you can start again tomorrow. And I always believed in and felt inspired by the strength we have within. I believe we all - especially women and mothers in particular - have amazing strength to get through the daily challenges and obstacles of life. We are superheroes, and this necklace reminds me of that.

My New Reality

2008-11-13T16:10:00.000-08:00

So, it's mission impossible trying to get anything done with a newborn around. She's in a phase where I have to either carry her or entertain her EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY or else she'll start with the never-ending screaming. She literally screams until she's choking and red in the face. I try to be the disciplinarian and let her cry and learn how to soothe herself and play on her own. But Babygirl is hardcore and she breaks me real quick.

So I entertain her 24/7. I read to her, play with her, sing to her. But once I reach my limit on how many times I can sing Itsy Bitsy Spider (her current favorite song ever), I often find myself flipping on the TV and getting sucked into reality shows while entertaining baby on my lap. Reality shows are to me like how crack is to a druggie. I knew it was bad for me, but I tried it out of curiosity, and next thing I knew I was hooked.

Pre-baby I was big into The Hills and Making the Band. But that was it. In fact, that was really the only TV I watched each week. I might dabble in Run's House or Snoop's Fatherhood here and there. But post-baby, I find that I spend most of my day watching TV. I got addicted to The Rachel Zoe Project and Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane, as well as shows like True Hollywood Stories, Project Runway, What Not to Wear, and America's Next Top Model. I even got pulled into - and I'm not proud to admit this - Paris Hilton's New BFF.

I don't know what is it about bad reality TV, but there's definitely something or else there wouldn't be so many. Maybe it's just entertaining to watch people make complete fools of themselves. Like Corrie on the BFF show.

I was flipping through the channels and settled on BFF since nothing else was on. I caught it just in time to see Corrie pleading her case to avoid elimination. Is homegirl for real? I didn't ask to be beautiful...I would tell my mom, "Mommy, I don't want to be pretty anymore!"...They call me Bikini Corrie because I earned it...I EARNED IT!!

You've got to be kidding me.

People acting a fool = bad television = good entertainment when your baby is holding you hostage from doing anything productive.

Rocked the Vote

2008-11-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

I got dressed up special for the occasion, faux pearls and all. I felt like Election Day Barbie.

Four Seasons

2008-11-03T23:25:00.000-08:00

I just realized how appropriate the title of this post is. Steve and I did YM5 at the Four Seasons to celebrate being married for four seasons (a.k.a. our one year wedding anniversary). Clever, no?

One year ago today we had our wedding reception at Ming's and spent our wedding night at the Four Seasons, so we thought it would be cool to start the anniversary celebration with dinner at Ming's and then end with coffee and dessert at the Four Seasons. It was nice to go back and remember.

I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary!

Not So Irreplaceable

2008-11-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've been replaced.

Overheard while passing by Steve playing with Babygirl...

Steve: I love you so much! I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.

I double-backed right quick.

Me: More than anything?

Steve: Okay, tied with Mommy.

But I know he only said that to appease me. Because just a couple of days later, when Steve got home from work...

Steve: Where's my baby? I miss my baby! (He rushed over to Lily.)

Me: I was your baby first, you know.

Steve: I know. You're my baby too. My big baby.

Me: Big?!

Steve: I mean, my old baby.

Me: Old?!

Steve: You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean. To the left, to the left.

Lily's First Halloween

2008-10-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

Blackout

2008-10-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on April 8, 2005

Last night we had a power outtage that lasted about three hours. At the exact moment the electricity turned off, Steve was in the shower, I was in the middle of writing an email while simultaneously cooking dinner, and my son was washing the dishes. When the house went dark, the pitter patter of my son's feet echoed through the hallway as he ran, startled, through the darkness toward his mommy. From the bathroom, only the running water could be heard, with not a word uttered, and I could only imagine what was going through Steve's mind as his washing was so abruptly interrupted.

Once everyone got their bearings, we got out our candles and tried to find alternate, creative ways of cooking dinner. After dinner, we sat in the dark with no television and no computer, and we contemplated what people did back in the days before electricity. We thought that it must have been very boring. We figured they must have talked a lot, so we just sat together under a blanket and talked in the candlelight.

My son started asking what kinds of things we are afraid of and shared his fears with us. I think the darkness was freaking him out a bit. He told us that he learned people are scared of the dark because darkness is associated with the unknown. Very wise boy he is. I would never admit this in front of my son, but I was a little creeped out myself. We stood at the window and looked out at the dark world. I thought about the mysterious power of darkness and how something so simple as the absence of light could have such an significant effect on us.

The conversation then moved on to things we like about each other and things we think need some work. We've had this discussion a couple of times before, and each time it's interesting to see how we changed over time. For instance, a couple of years ago Steve said I might work on my jealousy and my son told me I should try to be less moody. Both of those things are now under control. This time Steve said I should try to work on being less of a control freak in our relationship/family and my son asked if I could take it easy with the sarcasim. On a positive note, Steve said that he thinks I have a gift of knowing what's important in any given situation and making smart choices, and my son said he likes it that even when I'm super busy with all my computer stuff I still make time for him.

It turned into an unexpectedly great night. Of course, as soon as the lights came back on, my son grabbed the remote control, I headed to the computer, and Steve cracked open the books. I guess old habits die hard. But I look forward to the next blackout. Better yet, we should just create our own. I think we all need a blackout now and then to catch our breath between the go! go! go!

Unexcused Absence

2008-10-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have no excuse for my prolonged absence. Well, actually, I kinda do:

YM5 comeback on the horizon. It'll be bigger than Britney's, yo.

Crier on the Dryer

2008-09-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

As a mother of a newborn, I get a lot of unsolicited advice. Some advice is a bit unusual (cut my baby's eyelashes?!), some advice seems pretty logical (don't let the baby lay on her back too much or she'll get flathead), and some advice is in fact very useful. Like the dryer thing. Though good in theory, I actually never thought this idea would really work when put to the test, but Lily was having a very bad night, and at 4 in the morning we were willing to try anything to shut her up. And what do you know? It worked. It worked so well that Steve and I were ro-sham-bo-ing which one of us would curl up on the washing machine next to her for the night.

Fallen

2008-09-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on May 21, 2004

I walked to the post office to pick up some mail and send a small package. As I hurried along the sidewalk, I saw something fall from the sky. I looked up and saw, as if in slow motion, a bird's nest fall from the tree above me, down to the ground in front of me. I stopped and reflected on the nest. I thought, How sad. A bird's home is now destroyed. I looked up into the branches of the tree and heard the birds crying. I stared at the nest for a few moments, then headed inside the post office.

I love receiving mail. Email, snail mail, packages. I don't know what it is, but it makes me happy to receive mail. However, in my stack of envelopes, there was one piece of mail I wished I never received. It was a rejection letter from a company that I had prayed and hoped and wished would hire me.

I left the post office feeling blue. I thought, Now what am I going to do? This job was going to help solve my financial problems.

Walking from the post office, I passed by the nest laying on the ground. I stopped and looked at it. Huh. That broken nest on the ground is exactly how I feel inside right now. Weird how that nest fell right in front of me, right before I got the rejection letter. It was strange how that happened. It was foreshadowing. It was symbolic. So, I got out my camera and took a picture.

Back at the office I was faced with a decision. I could drag my feet through the rest of the day, feeling stressed and sorry for myself. Or I could keep pushing forward, harder and faster. It reminded me of something I read last night:

"Clarissa Dalloway will discover during her party that she hates and loves at the same time a woman, who makes her experience in herself that monster, hatred, which evokes disturbing emotions, blurring distinctions between what she thinks she loves and hates. Katherine Mansfield is (has been) a feared rival: Woolf has been jealous of her. Now she finds she needed her, to be better. A melancholy invades her now Katherine is not there anymore, as if a needed antagonist had disappeared."

It gives new meaning to "love your enemy." Sometimes we need things to challenge and motivate us. Sometimes we think that which we hate - a person, an obstacle, a weakness - is holding us down, when it can be the very thing that pushes us forward.

I prayed for this job. Steve, my son, and I prayed every single night that I would get this job. It seemed that God did not answer our prayers. Funny thing is, I also said a prayer for God to challenge me, and, if necessary, allow me to fall. Why would I pray for such a thing? Because challenges and obstacles are the "needed antagonists" in my life - the things that motivate me to be better, to try harder, to dream bigger.

I think that maybe I didn't get this job because God knows what's in my heart and He knows I have other dreams and plans for my life. Maybe I just needed a little nudge...in another direction, in the right direction.

My Toy Doll

2008-09-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

When Lily was born, everyone said she was as small as a toy doll...

...or Transformer, as her big brother demonstrates in this picture.

Not a Boy, Not Yet a Man

2008-09-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Rick offered to hold Lily while Steve and I ate.

Rick: I see boogers in her nose.

Me: Don't tell Steve that! He gets obsessed with getting her boogers out.

Rick: I think I can fit my finger in there to get it out.

Me: NO! Don't!

Rick: Haha. Just kidding. Imagine if I did put my finger in there. One nostril would be small and one would be all big and stretched out from my finger.

X: Oh, is that how our nostrils get so big?

Rick, Steve, and I looked at each other in silence for a split second before we busted out laughing.

We weren't laughing to poke fun, but laughing at the innocence of a child's mind. My son is definitely no longer a child. Now he is almost a man, almost bigger than me. And like most teens, he's sarcastic and thinks he knows everything. But seeing that little glimmer of innocence in him when he asked that question made me remember that he will always be my baby, always be my little boy who once truly believed that Rick and I were Pokemon trainers. I may have a newborn now, but he is my original Sweet Pea.

Opposites Attract, Indeed

2008-09-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

This was probably my favorite performance ever from So, You Think You Can Dance? I love the song, the choreography, and I love LOVE how Twitch and Katee performed it with so much passion.

But mostly I loved it because the first time Steve and I watched it, as soon as it was over, we looked at each other and simultaneously said, "That totally reminds me of us!" Steve cool like Twitch and me psycho like Katee. Yesterday I made the song my ringtone, and now I smile every time my phone rings as I think of our crazy sexy cool relationship.

The Witching Hour

2008-09-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Part 3 of Lily's Arrival

So it's been about four weeks since we brought Lily home from the NICU. We spent the first week running around buying baby necessities (that we thought we still had a month to get) and setting up her little corner in our room. Then we spent the next two weeks trying to coordinate our schedules and playing catch up with work and other responsibilities that piled up while we were held captive in the hospital for two weeks. This last week was spent catching our breath and feeling like things are finally starting to settle into some sort of routine.

The main component of this routine is Lily being a perfect angel during the day,

and a crazy drama queen at night.

I should have known this was going to happen. When Lily was still in my tummy, she was most active from 1:30am well into the wee hours of the morning. And things haven't changed much outside of the womb. This late night time frame is usually known to the world as The Witching Hour. In our household it's called the Beyotching Hour. Lily doesn't just wake up to eat and then fall asleep full and satisfied. No, she's not satisfied until after four hours of screaming. THEN, and only then, will she fall asleep. At 6 o'clock in the morning. Which leaves me a mere 30 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off.

During the day she sleeps so soundly and through almost any noise. At night if we just breath wrong she wakes up screaming. Usually after hours of pacing the room with her in my arms screaming, she'll mercifully fall asleep. I'll then walk ever so slowly over to her crib. And, carefully moving only one millimeter at a time, I'll then ever so gently lower her into the crib. She won't even hit the mattress before her eyes pop open like, "Don't even think about it, woman." Sometimes her eyes will pop open if I even walk in the general vicinity of the crib. For real. How do they know??

And how can she tell the difference between me rocking her in my arms while sitting or standing? Can't I even sit down for a bit while you're screaming, little one? I'm still holding you. I'm still rocking you. I'm still sleep deprived. So can you cut me a break and AT LEAST let me rest my weary feet? The answer to my pleading is a big fat "No," of course.

The only other issue Lily has is with spitting up. I realize babies spit up a lot. But Lily likes to go above and beyond in her spitting up, like she does with her screaming. Homegirl goes through at least five wardrobe changes per day. I used to try to dress her in cute onesies, the pink ones with flowers and polka dots and cute phrases like "Hug Me" on them. Now I'm just happy if she's dry. There's spit up everywhere, yo. At any given moment you can find dried spit up around her mouth, in the creases of her neck, in her hair. All her clothes are stained from spit up. You'll likely find me with dried spit up on my clothes or on my hands and arms. And our bed, with the fancy bedding we got as a wedding gift, has dried spit up all over the place. Because she sleeps in the bed with us, even though all the doctors and nurses told us she's not supposed to. Dude, we're going to do whatever it takes to get that little girl to stop screaming. So, yes, we lie to our doctor.

Even though the spit up is not fun and the Beyotching Hour is torture, we realize how little we have to complain about really, how blessed we are. To have our baby home with us. That she is healthy and thriving. And after a night of little sleep and lots of spit up, we look at this face

and feel recharged, ready and willing to face another night.

--

Read Part 1: Premature Evacuation

Read Part 2: The Stolen Moments

Man VS. Steve

2008-08-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Occasionally my son will introduce us to shows he discovers. The George Lopez Show, King of Queens, Man VS. Wild. Today we were all watching Man VS. Wild. Bear had just built an ice cave in the snow. He had to go pee, so he got his empty water bottle, peed inside it, closed it, and stuffed it down his shirt. He said the warmth from his urine would help keep him warm.

Me: I thought he was about to drink it.

Rick: What if he forgets he peed in it and then drinks it later?

X: He drank his pee before.

Me: Really? Was he grossed out?

Steve: Yeah. He was in the desert and didn't have any water.

Me: I would've been all, "Yo, camera crew! Anyone got a bottle of water?"

Rick: For real.

Me: I have a little crush on him.

Rick: Really?

Me: Yeah. All those things he can do, his survival skills. He's so manly.

Steve: I'll drink pee for you, babe.

The Stolen Moments

2008-08-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of Lily's Arrival

Although Lily was born five weeks early, the doctor said she was in great health. After the nurses checked her out and cleaned her up, Steve and I spent a few hours taking turns holding her, and then the nurses whisked her away to the nursery. I don't recall why they had to take her there since she was rooming in with me. A lot of things were really fuzzy for me at that point because of the magnesium they were feeding me through my IV which made me unbelievably drowsy. The magnesium gave me crazy hot flashes and made me feel like crap, but apparently prevented me from having a seizure from my high blood pressure. So it was necessary, but made me feel like I was seeing cross-eyed. I kept asking Steve, "Does it look like I have crazy eyes?"

I told Steve to go with baby girl to the nursery and to not take his eyes of her for even a second. I wasn't trying to have my baby switched or stolen, you know? When he came back a doctor was with him. But Lily wasn't. The doctor explained that Lily was being transferred to the NICU because of her low birth weight and because she wasn't breastfeeding at all and not even bottle feeding very well. Steve would follow Lily to the NICU. I waited for them to leave before I broke down into tears. I didn't even get to see her before they transferred her.

I cried so hard that I was afraid my blood pressure at that point must have been through the roof. Lily was healthy, and she just needed to gain some weight and learn how to eat well, that's all. I knew that. But the tears still flowed from my eyes. The NICU sounded so scary. And since I was bed-ridden, I couldn't even go see her. My heart ached to think of my baby girl, just a few hours old, far away from me, with strangers in that scary place. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, and bond with her during her first moments out in the world. I cried out of exhaustion from the day and with anxiety for my baby's condition, and for those first moments of her life that felt stolen from us.

While Steve visited with her in the NICU, he took pictures of her with his phone to text to my phone. I gave him a bib that I had been hugging against my bare chest, which he put in her incubator so she could be comforted by mommy's scent. I stared at her pictures and dreamed of her and counted the hours until I could go see her.

The next afternoon, when they took me off the IV and told me I could go see Lily, I was so excited. Like a kid on Christmas Eve or a teenage girl about to see her crush. I was still incredibly weak and seeing the world through crazy eyes, but I could not wait to lay my crazy eyes on my baby girl.

She looked so small and vulnerable, all bundled up with blankets, with an IV in her tiny hand and wires hooked up to her foot and chest to monitor her vitals. We spent a couple hours visiting her, just staring at her and holding her, with me occasionally nodding off in my wheelchair like senior citizen in a nursing home. That damn magnesium! And that's how we spent the second day of Lily's life. We spent most of the day in the NICU, breaking only to eat and to go to sleep that night.

The next day the nurses told me I was going to be discharged. Which would have been great news except that Lily was not ready to be discharged, and there was no way I was going home without my baby. We packed up our things and went to the NICU to visit Lily and to figure out what we were going to do.

When we got there, that is what we saw. The nurse told us that Lily needed phototherapy because she had jaundice. The nurse assured us that there was nothing to worry about, that jaundice was common in preemies, and that she would probably only need the light for a few days. Tears started pouring from my eyes again. I tried to hide my face. The nurse, bewildered, asked, "Are you OK? Nothing is wrong with your baby. She's going to be fine." I was embarrassed, but I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I know there are many, many other babies in NICU's everywhere that have bigger problems than Lily. But to see my little baby like that. To see her isolated and uncomfortable and not be able to freely hold her and comfort her. To know that she needed to stay like that for at least a few more days. To wonder how I would live, where I would sleep, at the hospital until she could go home. To wonder when she would be able to go home, when we would all be able to go home. I was overwhelmed and emotional.

I guess the nurse felt sorry for me because she told us about a room that was available for parents of babies staying in the NICU. Apparently, they have two rooms and they are reserved based on need, and could only be reserved on a day by day basis. There could be up to thirty families wanting to use these rooms. Priority is given to parents of babies who are critically ill, then to parents of babies who are about to be discharged, and lastly to parents who just want to be close by to establish breastfeeding with their NICU baby. We fell into that last category, but somehow we got the room for that night. When they told us we got the room, Steve turned to me and said, "They probably felt bad for us. Good thinking with the crying, babe! Make sure to do that again tomorrow."

So, that's how we lived for two weeks. We visited Lily in the NICU every three hours to change her diaper and (tried to) feed her. We spent the in between time eating, sleeping, and trying to get work done (unsuccessfully - we were too distracted and way too exhausted). Steve left the hospital for a few hours each day to tend to things at home and then would come straight back to the hospital. We requested the parent room each morning, and somehow got it each night. However, there inevitably came a day when we found out another family had priority over us and we lost our room. We were prepared to sleep in our car. Our car! Steve brought blankets and pillows from home. We felt homeless and discouraged. But in the end our luck held out; the other parent room was vacated late that same evening and we got moved into that room.

The day finally came, two weeks after Lily's arrival, when she was eating on her own and ready to go home. Good thing too, because by that time I was just about losing it. I stayed at the hospital day in and day out for those two weeks, barely seeing the light of day. I think I was slowly losing my mind. Living out of a backpack. Staying in a small room with no windows, that looked and smelled like hospital, and felt more like an mental institution as the days turned to weeks. Each morning stressed over if we would get the room or if we would have to sleep in the car. Each day living to just change and feed Lily, break to eat or sleep, and back to change and feed Lily. Over and over again every three hours. That was my life. It seemed like I could barely remember how life was before the NICU.

And life after the NICU wasn't exactly "happily ever after."

To be continued...

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Read Part 1: Premature Evacuation

Read Part 3: The Witching Hour